It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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