i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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