Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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