Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
