whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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