You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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