i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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