Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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