The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
