a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
