Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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