What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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