I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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