i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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