im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Its about making memories worth repressing
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
