I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
