I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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