Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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