I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
time to smoke my breakfast
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
