Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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