how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
