Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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