worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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