My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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