butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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