If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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