Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Less talking, more tequila
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
