i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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