tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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