I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
