She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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