We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
