just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
