Pants 0. Shit 1.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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