My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude i'm inner monologue high
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
