I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Randomize