i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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