you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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