Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
