Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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