Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
