The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
