His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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