it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
