There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
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