Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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