My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
