Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
