He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
