I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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