I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
