Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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