after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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