Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
