I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize