My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
