What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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