a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
