hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
