Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
